Can't. Take. It. Any. More.

Between spam and television commercials, you would think America is populated entirely with porn-obsessed fatties in possession of small, flaccid peens.

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With a Twist(er)

So every year around this time, I have at least one nightmare about a tornado.

Last night I had one that started out with me oversleeping for a class, arriving late by riding the 10-speed I got for my 9th birthday (that my brother destroyed when I was 14) from my dorm room, and apologizing to my professor, Mike Rowe.

Then the weather started getting hinky, so I went to my parents' house (2 hours west in real-life) to shelter down. While there, the tornado sirens went off, and I looked outside while Dad stared at the warning on TV. A small tornado was coming right for us, with a large tornado behind it.

I told Dad we had to get to the basement right now, and he told me to take Buddy downstairs. Buddy is my dog that died in 2002. So Buddy and I went downstairs, expecting Mom and Dad to follow shortly. The first tornado hit, then the second tornado hit, and I was alone in the basement with Buddy. I looked out the window when it was over, and it looked like a hurricane had hit instead. There was floodwater everywhere, and boats floating around.

So I got into my parents' boat with Buddy, and saw my Dad swimming toward us. I helped him into the boat, then paddled over to the dock that was conveniently in front of my parents' house. I went inside to look for Mom, and yelled for her: "Mom?"

She responded in a totally normal voice, "Yes?"

"Oh my God," I was relieved.

"What? Did you find Him?"

"I think I did."

(See, Mom gets all upset when I declare my atheism. Like she's the most religious person in the world. But whatever, it was a pretty witty thing for her to say in my dream.)

So Mom was fine and basically slept through the whole thing.

/dream

Sweden Sounds Fun II

In our last lesson, we learned how to invite someone home, as well as the term for "venereal disease".

Now we may need some additional phrases.

Jag tar p-piller.
"I'm on the Pill."

Var snäll och ligg ner.
"Please lie down."

Öppna munnen.
"Open your mouth."

Jag behöver ett urinprov.
"I want a specimen of your urine."

Det smittar.
"It's contagious."

Hur mycket är jag skyldig?
"How much do I owe you?"

All of the above phrases may come in handy if you need to visit the doctor in Sweden. Obviously.

It's the Freaking Apocalypse Around Here

Decided to check KCRG to see what's going on today. Nothing good, apparently.

(clicky for the full-sized horror)

Sweden Sounds Fun

I hope to visit Sweden some day, and therefore have a Swedish travel phrase book.

So today let us learn a very important Swedish phrase:

Vill du komma hem med mig? (pronounced: vil deu komma hem mehd may)

Translation: "Would you like to come home with me?"

Oh, and you may need to know en könssjukdom, or "venereal disease".

At Least It's Not Snowing

Just spent the last half hour in the basement at work. Must be springtime in Iowa.

They tend to take tornado sirens really seriously ever since that tornado actually hit town two years ago. Plus the building I'm in is half glass, so...yeah, I had little problem camping out in the basement.

Equalizing II

Good: Being at the hospital to see a new bebe.

Bad, yet conveniently located: Breaking my little finger while there.

Equalizing

The universe likes to balance the good (Bon Jovi) with the bad (hailstorm + my car).

So for the second time this year, I get to pay my deductible. And for the second time this year, it's through no fault of my own, other than parking my car in the cosmically wrong spot.

And it of course happens at the end of the semester when my cash on hand is low.

Sigh.

Bon Jovi

So the concert last night kicked. ass.

Richie sang "I'll Be There For You" while Jon snuck into the middle of the arena for his next two songs.

"I'll Be There For You" is one of my favoritest Bon Jovi songs.

In completely unrelated news, I've decided I can still marry Richie Sambora after all. Rawr.

The opening act was Daughtry, and I have to say it was a snoozefest. Not because he sucked or was low energy or whatever. But because I don't really know his songs and he was the only thing standing between me and BON JOVI, so FINISH YOUR SET AND LEAVE ALREADY. Seems like a nice guy, though.

Bon Jovi sang all the old faves, some of the new stuff, and totally rocked my face. Everyone should go.

The Stupid Never Ends

Phone rings, it's my parents' house, I get excited because my sis is due in a little over a week.

Me: Hello?

My brother: Hey.

Me: What's going on?

My brother: Soooo...how are you?

Me: Good. What's going on?

My brother: Sooo, I don't know if Mom and Dad told you or not, but I might have another kid.

Me: What?

My brother: Yeah, the mother tried to blame it on another guy, but it turned out he's not the father, so now she said I am. The baby's already been adopted out, and they want me to sign the papers, so what do you think?

Me: Well, first of all, who's the mother?

My brother: Some crackhead.

Me: Nice. Condoms, [brother's name], condoms.

My brother: Yeah, yeah, so do you think I should sign the papers?

Me: Yes, I do. Let the kid have a good life.

Earthquake!

The windows rattled and the building shook, and there was no train going by...so I said it was an earthquake. And I was MOCKED.

Well, lookie here.

Old?! Hmm, Yeah, Okay...

H/T: Flibby.

4.20

The date my brother (jokingly?) said is a "holiday for [his] people" is also the date on which I will finally cast mine eyes upon Jon Bon Jovi, Richie Sambora, Tico Torres, and David Bryan in person.

I have waited 22 years.

Holy crap, it's almost here.

And Also?

(click to enlarge)

Mama Needs a New '57 Fuelie

Shiny.

Weirdo

I just came home, and I live in an apartment building. We all have doors to the outside, and I walk past the neighbors' doors to get to my own.

I passed one door and made it to the next by the time the neighbor lady in the first door opened her door just to say, "Hi!" to me.

Those crazy foreigners and their friendliness.
_____

So a few days back, when I left my apartment in the morning, there was some debris outside the door. It happens. So I kicked it off to the side, and saw that part of the collection was a bone of some sort. Without inspecting it too closely, I thought it looked like a vertebra. Terrif! But it wasn't human (yay, osteology class!), so I left it there, figuring whatever scavenger deposited it near my door would take it away.

Three days later, it was still there. So last night I finally got a baggie and picked it up (it's still "fresh" although there is no tissue attached). After having a better look, it's not a vertebra, because the sides are incongruent. It might be a pelvic bone of some sort. Perhaps belonging to a squirrel?

Kewl.

Grown-Up Behavior

Heather Mills, who really is her own worst enemy and needs to STFU, attempts to explain why she dumped a glass of water on the head of Paul McCartney's lawyer:

"Mrs. Shackleton said something under her breath so I cleansed and baptized her," Mills said. "I thought she looked fantastic — I thought it did her the world of good."

Now I will attempt to explain why she did it: Heather Mills is a petulant, spoiled, childish bitch who needs serious counseling to combat her narcissism.

Try that kind of behavior in an American court, and you'll probably be spending the night in the pokey.

Spring Cleaning=Done

So yesterday I mentioned that I had to empty my cabinets for pest control and all that.

Well, about 8:00 last night I started in. And what began as simply complying with orders soon snowballed into insane-level apartment cleaning and purging. The rubber gloves were on...half my belongings were being thrown into the dumpster...it was a good time.*

I got to bed a little late, but the place looks fantastic.

* Throwing stuff in the dumpster is the same thing as giving it away around here, so I don't feel guilty. I know none of the stuff worth anything made it to daylight out there.

A Quandary

So. I will not be graduating in May. Some recommendations were made about additional certifications and whatnot and it was discussed with the parents who urged the not-graduating-in-May option (surprisingly), and so I will be graduating in August.

My dad, though? When I first told him? Or, actually, Mom first told him? He says, "But I've already told everybody you're graduating in May."

I replied, "Who's everybody?"

He replied, "Well, [Uncle B] and [Aunt M]."

We looked at each other, both knowing 2 people in a family of about a hundred is not "everybody." Even if telling [Aunt M] will ensure half of "everybody" hears about it eventually. I finally responded, "Well...they're not coming to the ceremony, right?"

He said, "Right."

I replied, "Well there you go." If nobody is coming to the event, changing the time of the event is no big whoop.

So after a month of panic attacks and sleepless nights trying to make a decision, I finally told my parents and besides Dad's initial weirdness, they were all on board. Which made my decision for me.

The real quandary in this story, though, now revolves around my living situation. The last day of summer classes will be August 1. The last day of my summer lease extension will be July 30. Non-negotiable. Even though my landlord is the U. Let's look at a calendar:

So I have to be completely moved out by noon on July 30. A weekday, btw. Right before my for-real final final exams, btw.

This is not exactly what I'd call "convenient."
_____

Also, they're doing their spring pest control this week. Which requires me to empty out all the contents of my kitchen and bathroom cupboards and drawers. Where the heck am I supposed to put all that stuff?!

Very Cool

Harvey posted a video of an elephant painting an elephant.

Nooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!

The worst thing ever.

I thought I left half a bottle of Diet Pepsi Max here at work last night, so when planning my refreshments for work today, I took that into account. I brought half a bottle of Lipton Diet Mixed Berry Green Tea to supplement the Max.

But.

It turns out, I decided at the last minute to take the Max home last night, and I drank it. And forgot.

So now I am expected to make it through 8 hours with only half a bottle of green tea. This does not meet my body's expected daily allowance of caffeine.

Commence plotting...there must be a boy somewhere in town willing and able to bring me some Max.

Diet Pepsi Max is my crack, people, and I own up to that.

Sounds Like...Spring?

Due to yesterday's blind rage-inducing forecast of snow, I opted to not go or even look outside until it had been sunny for at least 4 hours today. That way, if it had indeed snowed, the evidence would all be gone by the time I ventured out of doors.

That plan was a verifiable success. I have no idea if it really snowed here or not. And no one is to tell me if it did!

So I ran to the bank and the gas station and post office and did all those little errands I wanted to complete before work. And the sun shone and it was good.

But it wasn't until I got to work that I really, really believed spring is finally here to stay. Because at work, I heard something I haven't heard in months.

I heard frogs. Lots and lots of frogs.

This building is in a "prairie preserve" area, and there are ponds and whatnot scattered about that attract frogs and other wildlife. I hadn't heard the frogs in a very long time, and today they seem deafening.

So it must be spring now. For really reals.

Ima Punch Somebody

"Rain switching over to heavy snow this evening."

There are no words to adequately express my feelings at a time like this.

The Weirdest Thing

My sister has a different last name now. Weird.