Fatty Fat Fatso

So, also in the conversation with my sister (who is 7 months pregnant):

Sis: So did you hear about my car accident?

Me: No, all I ever hear about is how fat you are.

Sis: (laughing) Thanks, Mom.

Me: Hey, it's a nice change of pace from hearing about how fat I am.

Sis: (laughing)

Me: It's like, 'Let's talk about how fat you are, Mom.'

Sis: (not laughing anymore) No kidding.

Me: Okay, got that out of the way. Tell me about your accident.*

My mom is seriously preoccupied with weight, as I believe I have mentioned before. She was 95 pounds when she graduated high school, and 105 pounds when I was born. I always want to say, "Yeah, well, you weigh more than twice that now, so nobody cares."

Plus she obviously did not gain enough weight when pregnant with me, but we won't get into that.

I have a cousin who is naturally very thin...her mother is naturally very thin...it's not anorexia or any real diet-and-exercise regimen. They're just bony little people. Anywho, this cousin who normally might break the 100-pound mark after a big meal was pregnant and the matron of honor at her sister's wedding 2 weeks before giving birth. The seamstress did some weirdness with the dress to let it out in front, and gathered it below the butt in back.

So my mom says to this 8+ month pregnant girl, who already felt like a blimp and self-conscious enough in the nightmare dress (and who actually looked completely gorgeous)..."Did they try to distract from your stomach by making your butt look huge?"

The look on my cousin's face would have been priceless if I hated her. But she's one of my favorites, so I was just horrified. Another cousin quickly jumped in and said how beautiful she was. But Mom just doesn't think about how people will take her remarks like that. Sure, the cousin obviously did not have a big butt, but maybe in her hormone-addled and larger-than-normal state, she felt like her butt really was huge.

The moral of the story is, even pregnant girls don't get a pass from the fat filter through which my mom views the world.

Also, the next time I hear the details about some insane Beyonce maple syrup diet or similar, I am just leaving the house. Walking out of the house of crazy and returning to my quiet sanctuary where I eat sensibly and exercise daily and have low cholesterol and excellent blood pressure and don't ruin my health with fad diets so I can look like Keira Knightley.

* She's fine, but some lady rammed her driver's side making a left turn on a red light. A military guy witnessed it and freaked out a little when he saw it was a pregnant lady who got hit.