Camping?!

I had a friend in junior high and high school who was not exactly what you'd call "outdoorsy"...I made the colossal mistake of taking her camping one year when we were 13. She was harassed hourly by vicious attack fish, bugs, and woodpeckers. My dad actually had to yell at her about not screaming in the lake unless she was drowning. Fish kept "touching her" and she'd scream in terror. When a bug got caught in her hair and started a monumental hissy fit, one of my uncles looked at me like, "what kind of sissy girl did you bring up here?" As someone who prides herself to this day on being a tough-it-out camper, that was quite shameful.

The woodpeckers were interesting. See, I was sleeping in our tent one night (like you do if you're not paranoid), and this girl (let's call her "Rachel") woke me up and hissed, "Is that a bear?!"

I lifted my head and listened, hearing nothing. "I don't hear anything. Go back to sleep."

Rachel would not be soothed. "I hear a bear!"

I sat up, listening more closely and heard...nothing. No rustling raccoons...no wind blowing through the leaves...just nothing. "Rachel, I don't hear anything."

"There is something out there."

I got back in my sleeping bag. "If you hear it walk by the tent, let me know." This probably wasn't the most reassuring thing to say, but I'm not great when people wake me up for stupid shit.

Just as I was falling back asleep, Rachel informed me she had to go to the bathroom. We had already established that I must chaperone her for any midnight meanderings outside the tent, and since she was already alarmed, I knew I had no choice. I got up, grabbed the flashlight, and headed outside the tent. I surveyed the campgrounds, and gave the all clear. She ran out of the tent with the lantern and bolted to the outhouse.

I stood outside the outhouse while she did her business, and when she came out I told her I'd go too--since I was already up and all. This did not go over well, as she could not walk the 20 feet to the tent by herself, and I wasn't allowing company in the outhouse. As I tended to my bladder, she stood outside the door and kept whispering for me to hurry up.

When I came out of the facilities, she took off for the tent like a family of grizzlies was behind her. I followed at a more leisurely pace, flashlight turned off, and happened to glance up at the sky. The stars were amazing. I'd never noticed before how you could see the whole Milky Way from our campgrounds. She dived into the tent and told me to hurry up so she could zip the door shut, but I stood staring up at the sky. "You have to see this."

"Get in the tent! Bugs are getting in!"

"No, seriously, you have to see this. Look at the stars!"

"I don't care! Mosquitos are going to come in here!"

I got in the tent.

Sometime around dawn (and therefore around 4 hours before I'd normally wake up), Rachel was hissing at me again. "Do you hear that?! It's the same thing I heard last night. Is it a bear?"

I listened, and in a few moments heard a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from high up above in the trees. "I don't think so."

"What do you mean? You're not sure? It might be a bear?!" Rachel was nearly hysterical.

"Well, it could be a bear tapping his fingers. But I'm pretty sure it's just a woodpecker."

Today, Rachel lists her outdoor interests on an online profile as "camping, cycling, and walking"...I guess people change.