Can't. Take. It. Any. More.

Between spam and television commercials, you would think America is populated entirely with porn-obsessed fatties in possession of small, flaccid peens.

MAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOP
MAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOP
MAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOP
MAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOP
MAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOP
MAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOP
MAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOP
MAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOP
MAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOP
MAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOP
MAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOP
MAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOP

Old?! Hmm, Yeah, Okay...

H/T: Flibby.

Mama Needs a New '57 Fuelie

Shiny.

Do It to Yourself?

Google yourself, that is?

I look through my sitemeter on a fairly regular basis, and I am pretty convinced that some people get here by Googling themselves. Or their neighbors are doing it. But anyway.

Was talking to the bf about this, and he says, "Everybody Googles themselves."

Is this true? Do you Google yourself?

I just got done Googling my own self, and my best known nom de plume. It's not something I normally do unless someone mentions they Googled me and then I have to go see what they saw...and that happens about once a decade thus far.

There was some interesting stuff. Like references to me/my writing in academic papers (ha! fools!) and the like. Plus there was the walk down memory lane as I relived some of my blogging highlights from years past.

My actual legal name is so common that I don't worry about what might show up on Google searches for me, and my best-known pen/nick name is slowly being encroached on by others using it online. But what about the rest of you?

Google yourself regularly?

Props for Originality

So normally as I am emptying my spam box, I can't help but glance at all the s3x t4p3 promises* in the subject line...always for various starlets.

But I recently got one for Jackie Chan.

Huh.

Think they know Jackie is not a Jacqueline?

I'm not against the male stars getting in on the action, but Jackie Chan seems so...random.

(* Trying not to Googlebait with the actual words. I get enough weirdness in my searches up in here. Yeah, I'm looking at you, Palestine. Pervs.)

Can I Hear An

Amen?

White People

LOL Funny found via IMAO...Stuff White People Like.

You check it out. I'll be at work.

UPDATE: Arts Degrees. Heh.

These degrees enable white people to spend four years of their lives reading books, writing papers and feeling great about themselves.

With the added bonus of seeming like you're accomplishing something!

UPDATE 2: Wrigley Field:

Next to a Dave Matthews Band reunion concert, one can not find a bigger collection of khaki shorts and golf shirts than the Wrigley Bleachers.

UPDATE 3: Gifted Children:

White people love “gifted” children, do you know why? Because an astounding 100% of their kids are gifted! Isn’t that amazing?

I’m pretty sure the last non-gifted white child was born in 1962 in Reseda, CA. Since then, it’s been a pretty sweet run.

1000!

Pete, you made the 1000th comment! You win...let's see what I have around here...you win a Hawkeye sticker! Congratulations, Pete!
_____

And, I took a stupid quiz...you can too!

Take the Quiz

Questions

Do you think someone at a mega media conglomerate in, say, NYC has a job where he/she has to sit online all day, googling "X sucks"? (X=whichever one of their channels they're researching at the time.)

I'm guessing they must, because if you are at the parent company of X, googling about how X sucks...that might be problematic with your boss.

So...does that job fall under marketing research?

If You Like A Spinster's Tale, You'll Love...

Hey, lookie! A new blogger!

And I Forgot to Mention...

...when it's easier for me to just answer your comments by editing your comments, I'll be doing that. I won't change your comment, I will just put my italicized answer below it.

Thank you and have a nice day.

To: Tempe, AZ

You're freaking me out a little, dude. Hope you're enjoying the archives, though.

56 Meme-ish

Seen at Harvey's (who didn't tag me, but I'm not the kind of girl to wait by the phone)...I guess if you've seen over 85, you need to go outdoors more often.

(x)Rocky Horror Picture Show
(x) Grease
(x)Pirates of the Caribbean
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
() Boondock Saints
() Fight Club
() Starsky and Hutch
(x) Neverending Story
(x) Blazing Saddles
() Universal Soldier
() Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
() Along Came Polly
() Deep Impact
() KingPin
() Never Been Kissed
(x) Meet The Parents
(x) Meet the Fockers
() Eight Crazy Nights
() Joe Dirt
() KING KONG
Total so far: 8

() A Cinderella Story
() The Terminal
() The Lizzie McGuire Movie
() Passport to Paris
(x) Dumb & Dumber
() Dumber & Dumberer
() Final Destination
() Final Destination 2
() Final Destination 3
(x) Halloween
() The Ring
() The Ring 2
() Surviving X-MAS
() Flubber
Total so far: 10

() Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
() Practical Magic
(x) Chicago
() Ghost Ship
() From Hell
() Hellboy
() Secret Window
() I Am Sam
(x) The Whole Nine Yards
() The Whole Ten Yards
Total so far: 12

() The Day After Tomorrow
() Child's Play
() Seed of Chucky
() Bride of Chucky
() Ten Things I Hate About You
() Just Married
() Gothika
(x) Nightmare on Elm Street
(x) Sixteen Candles
() Remember the Titans
() Coach Carter
() The Grudge
() The Grudge 2
() The Mask
() Son Of The Mask
Total so far: 14

() Bad Boys
() Bad Boys 2
() Joy Ride
() Lucky Number Slevin
() Ocean's Eleven
() Ocean's Twelve
() Bourne Identity
() Bourne Supremecy
() Lone Star
(x) Bedazzled
(x) Predator I
() Predator II
() The Fog
(x) Ice Age
(x) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
() Curious George
Total so far: 18

(x) Independence Day
(x) Cujo
(x) A Bronx Tale
() Darkness Falls
() Christine
(x) ET
() Children of the Corn
() My Bosses Daughter
() Maid in Manhattan
() War of the Worlds
() Rush Hour
() Rush Hour 2
Total so far: 22

() Best Bet
(x) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
() She's All That
() Calendar Girls
() Sideways
() Mars Attacks!
() Event Horizon
() Ever After
(x) Wizard of Oz
(x) Forrest Gump
() Big Trouble in Little China
(x) The Terminator
() The Terminator 2
() The Terminator 3
Total so far: 26

(x) X-Men
() X2
() X-3
() Spider-Man
() Spider-Man 2
() Sky High
() Jeepers Creepers
() Jeepers Creepers 2
() Catch Me If You Can
(x) The Little Mermaid
() Freaky Friday
() Reign of Fire
() The Skulls
(x) Cruel Intentions
() Cruel Intentions 2
() The Hot Chick
(x) Shrek
(x) Shrek 2
(x) Shrek 3
Total so far: 32

() Swimfan
() Miracle on 34th street
(x) Old School
() The Notebook
() K-Pax
() Kippendorf's Tribe
() A Walk to Remember
() Ice Castles
() Boogeyman
(x) The 40-year-old-virgin
Total so far: 34

(x) Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring
(x) Lord of the Rings The Two Towers
(x) Lord of the Rings Return Of the King
(x) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
(x) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(x) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
Total so far: 40

(x) Baseketball
() Hostel
() Waiting for Guffman
() House of 1000 Corpses
() Devils Rejects
(x) Elf
() Highlander
() Mothman Prophecies
() American History X
(x) Three
Total so Far: 43

() The Jacket
() Kung Fu Hustle
() Shaolin Soccer
() Night Watch
(x) Monsters Inc.
(x) Titanic
(x) Monty Python and the Holy Grail
() Shaun Of the Dead
() Willard
Total so far: 46

() High Tension
() Club Dread
() Hulk
() Dawn Of the Dead
(x) Hook
() Chronicle Of Narnia The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
() 28 days later
(x) Orgazmo
() Phantasm
() Waterworld
Total so far: 48

() Kill Bill vol 1
() Kill Bill vol 2
() Mortal Kombat
() Wolf Creek
() Kingdom of Heaven
() The Hills Have Eyes
() I Spit on Your Grave aka the Day of the Woman
() The Last House on the Left
() Re-Animator
() Army of Darkness
Total so far: 48

(x) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
(x) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
(x) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
(x) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
(x) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
(x) Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
( ) Ewoks Caravan Of Courage
( ) Ewoks The Battle For Endor
Total so far: 54

() The Matrix
() The Matrix Reloaded
() The Matrix Revolutions
() Animatrix
() Evil Dead
() Evil Dead 2
(x) Team America: World Police
() Red Dragon
(x) Silence of the Lambs
() Hannibal

Final total: 56

I'd have gotten more if we were talking the books for Narnia, anything by Stephen King, Thomas Harris, etc. You'll note I've seen all the Trey Parker and Matt Stone options...heh.

I won't tag anyone...do it if you want, let me know, and I'll post a link.
_____

Reverend Mike did it.

Umm, What?

Someone (I assume a homo sapiens sapiens) found this site by Googling for instructions on how to make homo sapiens costumes.

Somehow, I hope they meant to search for homo sapiens neanderthalensis...but somehow I doubt it.

On the other hand, the search came from the Iberian Peninsula, so maybe it was a homo neanderthalensis doing the searching...that would be awesome.

I Have a Question (or Two)

I use a feedreader to peruse over 50 sites, so occasionally one won't update and it takes me awhile to realize I haven't read anything from a particular blogger in awhile.

Some months ago, I noticed one blog wasn't updating, and now the archives seem to be FUBARed as well. I'm almost embarassed to ask...anyone know what happened to Indepundit/LT Smash?
_____

My sister and I don't have a lot in common as far as musical tastes go. She likes her music to "mean" something, and I don't care if mine means anything as long as there's a rocking groove.

She thinks Kid Rock is a jackass, and I rock out to "Bawitdaba" on a regular basis.

Right now, I have Queen's "Fat Bottomed Girls" playing in a loop on my computer. Why? Not the lyrics, my friends.

What nonsensical songs do you find yourself singing along to with all your might?

Huh?

According to Drudge, the media causes diabetes. Weird. I mean, I guess a case could be made that publishing allegations about someone that are later found false can cause that someone to become so depressed that food is his only solace...thus gaining weight...leading to diabetes. But I'm pretty sure that someone was overweight before the 1996 Olympics.

I think it is extremely sad that Mr. Jewell was vilified back then, and that he should die at such a young age now. But announcing his death with a headline that declares him "The man the media murdered" is ridiculous.

Maintenance

I don't read blogs with the aid of my blogroll. I read blogs through the use of my feedreader...so I tend to forget to add/drop/change links on the blogroll.

Anyway, I just added that Dangerous and Daring Blog for Boys and Girls (check it out!) to the blogroll and will in the coming days get around to further updating the links in the blogroll.

So. If you would like to be linked (although I think I already link to everyone reading this), let me know. Plskthxbai.

Dial-up Hell

We had a nasty storm the other day, and my high-speed internet has yet to recover. So I am on dial-up. And I am moving. So don't expect to hear much from me until Mondayish.

Good Morning, UAE

Someone from Dubai came along googling for "sexy poosy girls". I kinda feel bad for being so disappointing, since I know this blog did not exactly have what he wanted.
_____

Finished my final for my last summer class. I am now free until the end of August. Free except for that pesky moving business I have to attend to in the next week or so. And then I will go on vacation for a week or longer (depending when I finish moving, who I have to drive to the cabin, etc.). Then I will return to work and such.
_____

Some of the Munuvians seem to have started a Group Blog that looks like it could be interesting. It's just starting, but I'm sure they would welcome a little support and encouragement.

Exactly

LOL...I've never been stung by a bee that I know of, so maybe that's why I don't fear those awful predators.
_____

Kids don't always enunciate very well...especially the pre-Kindergarten set. Which led to the following exchange:

Wisconsin-dwelling Female Cousin: Why does (your nephew) keep telling me he's wearing his "Hot Guy" shirt?

Me: Umm...[looks at nephew, starts laughing]...Hawk-Eye! Hawkeye shirt. That's the Iowa Hawkeye.

It's only like the 3rd most recognizable sports symbol in America.

Hawkeye:

Beautiful.

Hot Guy:

Rawrr.

I Missed That Week

This sentence was somewhere in blogland yesterday...

[The English] used to have the most civilized nation on earth.

When was that, exactly?

Depends on your definition of civilization, I suppose.

Strangers

There might be some posting going on here in the next day or two. I can't be held responsible for the content. If there is any.

Click It

LOL.

(I'm on Spring Break, this is all you get from me.)

Most Excellent

Heh.

Well, It's a C. Sounds About Right...

(Seen at sarahk's.)

I'm on the Weirdest Mailing Lists

Dear Spammers,

I am not in the market for a new airplane right now, or even a gently used one. All of my planes are running fine and meeting my current air transportation needs. I will keep you in mind for the future, but please stop sending me sale notices for airplanes. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Me

Meme-ory

Borrowed from Sporkle...

1) How old do you wish you were? 11. That's where it all went wrong.

2) Where were you when 9-11 happened? In bed at home.

3) What do you do when vending machines steal your money? I don't use vending machines that often, but...tell the front desk?

4) Do you consider yourself kind? To those I deem worthy. Most people are worthy until proven otherwise.

5) If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be? I chose to get tattoos, you know.

6) If you could be fluent in any other language what would it be? Latin, to save the time of learning it now.

7) Do you know your neighbors? I know I have some, and I know where they live.

8) What do you consider a vacation? A week away from all responsibilities of a financial or educational nature.

9) Do you follow your horoscope? I look at it occasionally, but don't believe it.

10) Would you move for the person you loved? Of course. You can't just lay there all the time.

11) Are you touchy feely? Only once I really, really like you. Really.

12) Do you believe that opposites attract? Yes. The question is, can the attraction be sustained? Unknown at this juncture.

13) Dream job? Paid to sleep for 8 hours a day. Maybe 9 for overtime occasionally.

14) Favorite channel(s)? I honestly don't watch TV in my own home, other than DVDs. But I do like the History Channel, VH1, Comedy Central, and Discovery.

15) Favorite place to go on weekends? Wait. I can leave?

16) Showers or Baths? I loves me a hot bath.

17) Do you paint your nails? Occasionally. Upkeep is a pain, so it depends on how much free time I have. Or who I'm trying to impress.

18) Do you trust people easily? No. Been burned too many times for that.

19) What are your phobias? Pool drains.

20) Do you want kids? Sure. Although as I feel time slipping away, the idea of never having any bothers me less. But yes, I would like to have the opportunity.

21) Do you keep a handwritten journal? No, this typed one is as close as I get.

22) Where would you rather be right now? Asleep.

23) What makes you feel warm and safe? My bed. Also, being loved.

24) Heavy or light sleeper? Lightish. Odd noises wake me up. The ones I'm used to I can ignore.

25) Are you paranoid? In relationships, it can happen. It's a result of broken trust, though, so if the trust is good, it's all good.

26) Are you impatient? Can be.

27) Who can you relate to? Gorillas. Way back.

28) How do you feel about interracial couples? Is that even controversial anymore? Maybe we should ask about interspecies couples. "Interspecies erotica, f*cko!"

29) Have you been burned by love? Hasn't everyone with a soul?

30) What's your life motto? Nothing, what's the motto with you?

31) What's your main ringtone on your mobile? The knick knack paddywhack song (This Old Man? Also the Barney theme, I think).

32) What were you doing at midnight last night? Sleeping.

33) Who was your last text message from? The ex-hsbf?

34) Whose bed did you sleep in last night? Mine.

35) What color shirt are you wearing? Shades of pink. It's pretty fug.

36) What are you listening to right now? The noisy-ass refrigerator.

37) Name three things you have on you at all times? Corrective lenses, hand lotion, and the weight of the world. My world, anyway.

38) What color are your bed sheets? Blue, pink, yellow, and purple.

39) How much cash do you have on you right now? None, but there is a quarter on the monitor ledge. My purse is in the other room.

40) What is your favorite part of the chicken? Ugh, can we not talk about food? My stomach is still not good.

41) What's your fav city/place? I have several. I guess I have to go with the woods, though. It's where I spend most of my vacation time.

42) I can't wait till . . . mmm. Vacation.

43) Who got you to set up a blog? That information is classified on this here blog.

44) What did you have for dinner last night? 7-Up.

46) Have you ever smoked? Not habitually.

47) Do you own a gun? No, I don't really think I need one. If I lived in the woods, probably.

48) Tea or Coffee? Tea.

49) What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex? There's no big secret. Boobs. I have two!

50) Do you have A.D.D.? Only when it suits me.

51) What time did you wake up today? 10ish.

52) Current worry? Finals week, which is why I am wasting time on this meme.

53) Current want? Time, which is why...you know the rest.

54) Favorite place to be? Wait, didn't we already do this one?

55) Where would you like to travel in the future? Everywhere.

56) Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs? Probably Iowa or Wisconsin. Not the goal, but the likeliest scenario.

57) Last thing you ate? Pepto Bismol tablets, right before I threw them back up. Seriously, stop with the food talk.

58) What songs do you sing in the shower? I spare my neighbors the pleasure.

59) Last person that made you laugh? Myself.

60) Worst injury you've ever had? Broken face. Basically. It healed.

61) Does someone have a crush on you? I don't know, do you?

62) What is your favorite candy? Hot Tamales.

63) What song do you want played at your funeral? I prefer not to have a funeral. But how could I stop you? Play Bon Jovi's "In and Out of Love" then. Just because it is Bon Jovi, yet random and inappropriate.

My Thoughts Exactly

And I thought I was the only one...

"Whether it's never finding the time to search for a cure for cancer, dedicating my life to abandoning the idea of helping those less fortunate so that I might instead watch The Game Show Network, or pushing aside the urge to start a family in order to spend time at the local bar, I take solace in knowing that I was meant to not follow through on something remarkable."

Heh. Indeed.

eMail

I have two majors (and am considering adding a new minor to the mix). One of my majors is my major major. The other, just something I'm throwing in there to look more important on resumes. Basically.

The major I don't care so much about, I keep getting e-mails to be more active in the student organization. And when I say "keep getting", I mean it's a nearly-hourly thing. It's really driving me crazy, but I can't get off the mailing list without (a) looking like an ass, and (b) losing out on the rare e-mail that is actually useful.

In other e-mail news, we got a mass-mailing from a very high official in the university system. And said official wrote in all lower-case. How does a high-ranking educational official and high-ranking corporate officer (said official is both) think that is a good idea? I expect casual e-mails to be like that, not an e-mail sent to 35,000 people. If a secretary wrote it, said secretary is incompetent.
_____

The minor I am thinking about is Classics. Since I am taking Latin anyway, it would only be two more classes. But one of them would be taught in Latin--books, papers, etc. (!) That might involve more thinking than I would care for.
_____

Britney Spears filed for divorce. I really thought those crazy kids would last (a little longer)...they seemed well-suited to one another. And what a bad week for Kevin...documented here.
_____

Did you vote?

I'm Nearly Modern Now

I'm finally off dial-up. Gots the supah-fast high-speed internet. Now I can watch Best Week Ever all the time.

Responses

Spam Subject Line: "Want to make your wife happy?"

Hell, no. I hate that bitch.

Spam Subject Line: "Spend the Night With Someone New!"

A whole night?! Screw that. A couple hours, tops.

Yeah, So?

Gmail has that nifty excerpt feature that lets you read the first few words of an e-mail without even opening it.

Such as the following excerpt from "Jose" the spammer...

"My penis has gone from 3.5 inches to 6 inches and it's still growing!"

Yeah, Jose, it's called an erection, and it's not that magical.

/delete

Deadly Directors

I can't seem to locate an actual paper copy of Cracked, so I've been spending time with the online version and finding some giggles and walks down memory lane.

Google Fun

I've been seeing some searches for a certain someone showing up here in the last few days...and I am actually the first hit on Google for some of them.

I see I'm only 2nd here but it makes me proud. Behind Urban Dictionary but ahead of Wikipedia. Heh.

How Odd

I'm at work right now, and I am extraordinarily tired. Must be because of the bad dream I had about somebody with a weird nickname calling and waking me up at 2:00 a.m. to talk about waiting for a cab in a crack neighborhood for an hour.

I hope he didn't get stabbed in the face.

You Vs. The World

Some blogs are very difficult to read. The political nutjob ones, sure. But I'm more talking about the drama queens...the ones where the writer complains about how everyone in the world is a jerk except for themselves, and how empowered they are not to take any heed of the criticisms the whole world throws in their face.

Well, I think if the whole world--or even just most of it--is truly against you, then maybe the problem isn't the world. Maybe the problem is YOU.

My former sister-in-law was disowned by her entire family, one by one. First one parent, then the other, then an aunt, then a grandmother...she kept moving from one to the next and they'd kick her out in turn. When my brother met her, she'd run out of relatives and friends and was living at the YWCA. Now to me, this was a big red flag. But to my brother, it was a reason to try to save her.

Ask me how that turned out. Better yet, ask her second husband. Or her barely-escaped almost-third husband. Ask her friends, if she had any.

Anyway, the point being, some people are just unable to get along. Not all of them are misunderstood geniuses who march to a different drummer.

Some of them are just assholes who don't care to change.

So they live a miserable life, trying to make other people as miserable as they are themselves, getting angry that their kids don't visit until they finally die.

They're dead and the world goes on, forgetting all about them. Who won the fight?

Tweak, Tweak

New design. If you see something odd, let me know so I can ignore it or fix it depending on my mood.

That's right. Friday night, redesigning the blog. I'm a crazy girl. Who has to work bright and early tomorrow morning. So I'm off to bed now. That's right. I'm crazy. You can't stop me. Don't even try.

Sidenote: Why didn't anyone tell me Trey Parker got married?! If my boyfriend Matt Stone gets married, I expect to be told, damnit. So I can grieve properly. Trey was like a fire drill, and all of you failed.

Side-sidenote: Click on that link and look at the short hair. Don't get me wrong, I was digging on Matt when he had the Jewfro, but I think the short hair is his look.

Mailbag

So you read someone's blog and think it's awesome and want to write to the blog author. What should you do so that you don't make a bad impression?

1. Check your e-mail address. Does it reference in a positive way a mass murderer or otherwise scary person? Maybe you should e-mail from a different account. HitlerRox@ISP.net or GangRapr69@ISP.net is going to give a lot of people pause.

2. Start out slow. Sure, you want to be closefriends with this person whose writing has touched you, but you may not want to mention how it makes you touch yourself until you build a rapport. Remember that even though you think you know the blogger, they don't know you. You may know what kind of underwear your blogger wears, but they don't even know your name. You have to make introductions.

3. Keep your criticism to yourself. Constructive as it may be, most criticism coming from a complete stranger will not be taken well. "I love your blog and I've never commented before and you don't know who I am, but it drives me crazy that you end sentences in prepositions." Yeah, well, bugger off then. This is not to be confused with giving your opinion about a blog post topic...but some bloggers don't welcome debate, either, so know your audience.

4. Ask before sending pictures or other files. A stranger sending an attachment? Swiftly going into the delete file. If you visited a place you think will be of interest to the blogger, offer your awesome pictures but don't just send them without asking.

5. Don't flip out if the blogger doesn't answer you right away or even at all, Stan. Some bloggers are too busy, get too much mail, or simply are too wary to engage a stranger in private conversation. What you see on a blog is not necessarily the real personality of the person, and they may just prefer to interact "in public".

Now, let's say you read a blog and the writer really makes you mad. How should you express yourself properly?

1. Don't do anything illegal. Threatening the blogger's family? Not a great idea.

2. If you actually want to try to "get through" to the blogger, keep it civil. Keep it clean. Keep on topic.

3. If you can't keep to numbers 1 or 2, just click the little "X" up there in the top right corner and don't go back to the offending blog. Get on with life. Easy-peasy.

An Observation

If the commenting system to your blog goes down and that causes your blood pressure to go up and you don't actually pay for the service or have to fix it, you may need to make some friends in the real world.

Just sayin'. To no one in particular. That you know of.

So I Lied

What can I say? I took a quiz...

Shank e-mailed me, saying he's giving up on the blogwar he started. He is without a doubt the lamest blogwarrior of all time. I shall decide if I accept his defeat without the terms of surrender or not. And the way I shall decide this is: if I remember the whole stupid affair in two weeks, he will be punished.

Damned pussy.
_____

Now, this. THIS is the last entry until my return. I have almost completely convinced myself to leave the laptop at home. Then I think about it, and start to have nervous twitches. So we'll see. If I start cell-text-messaging you like a crazy person (i.e., like myself on a typical weekend), you'll know I am computer-free.

I Remember

Shank doesn't remember our phone call, but I remember it quite clearly.

I remember when he was trying to convince me to leave Paul for him, and mentioned Paul sent him a wedding gift. I asked what the gift was, to which Shank replied, "I'm not telling you. I know you and Paul are in cahoots together."

Which obviously means Shank can't remember what Paul sent him. The ungrateful little bastard.

And I remember when I ended the call and told Shank I was indeed "totally blowing [him] off" and he seemed to lose all concentration before mumbling, "I'd like that." But that sort of thing isn't exactly a newsflash, is it? Not when his post titles are things like Jenelle is going down. I mean, I think everybody here knows where his head is at, and exactly what he was doing within five seconds of my hanging up on him.

This whole blogwar is just a ruse by Shank to get some attention from someone who does not return his affections and focuses instead on his co-bloggers.

It's sad, really.

But. Any blogwar must have conditions. Terms of surrender. And these are the first I will offer. If they are not met, the next will be worse. And so on.

1. Shank must begin every post with the phrase, "I know I'm not as good as Jim and Paul, but I hope you'll like the following. I spent a lot of time and thought on it. Please be kind." This must be done for one week.

2. Shank will stop thinking of me when he has his "alone time." It freaks me out.

Should Shank accept and fulfill these terms, I will go back to ignoring him except when he blogs about me, and we shall consider the blogwar at an end.

History for Jackasses

I'm not going to name any names, mostly because he doesn't blog under his real name, but someone I was talking to on the phone last night was looking at a map of Iowa. He noted there was a town named Waterloo and said, "Hey, is that where that guy--"

I interrupted, because I knew where this was going, "No. That was a different Waterloo. In a different country. He did sell this area to America, though."

"What?"

"The Louisiana Purchase?" I paused. No recognition seemed forthcoming, but then finally there was a response.

"Oh yeah. He got f***ed in that deal, huh?"

So for your benefit, mystery phone blogger, there is a not-very-brief synopsis written in a language you'll understand in the extended about Napoleon and his journey to Waterloo. Waterloo in Belgium. You've heard of it, I'm sure. They have waffles.

Poland has historically been a little troublemaking c**t. Back in the day, Russia sent 300,000 soldiers to the border of Poland in hopes of capturing it (or recapturing it, actually, but we're not talking about Poland here--we're talking about Waterloo). This wasn't cool with Napoleon, who was all like, "Bitches, you better back off." So Napoleon thought he'd invade Russia and teach 'em a lesson.

Unfortunately for Nappy, the Russians weren't trying to engage him in any real battles. They kept retreating and drawing him into freaking Siberia. F***ing p***ies. But they weren't, really. It was strategy, the sly f***s. They burned the crops and slaughtered the cows and sh*t, leaving no food for Nappy and his army. Finally near Moscow, there was a giant bloody battle, but losses were pretty well even. The Russians burned Moscow and retreated. Nappy strolled into Moscow, thinking the whole thing would be over, but he was f***ed.

Moscow was ruined, and controlling it did f***-all for Nappy. Word was coming from France that Nappy was losing control there, so he had to head home. By the time he got there, he had lost over 500,000 soldiers. The war between France and Russia attracted other nations, like wars do. Prussia, England, and some others joined Russia...even f***ing Sweden got in on the action. Giving Nappy a beatdown, Viking style, yeah!

Nappy was outnumbered, and forced to slink home with his tail between his legs, promising not to be a d**k, but the other countries weren't having it. They made him surrender unconditionally and exiled him to be emperor of a small island called Elba. He hung out there for less than a year before escaping and returning to France. The king of France sent some soldiers to take care of business, but when they met Napoleon, he was all like, "You bitches gonna shoot your emperor?" And they were all like, "F**k no!"

So Nappy had himself an army again, and more joined him, and the countries who beat his ass were royally pissed. So they sent soldiers to kick his ass again, and everybody met up in Belgium, a mile or so from Waterloo. Nappy was given a f***ing boot up his ass this time, and the countries didn't mess around with sending his bitch-ass to an island nearby. He was booted to Saint Helena in the South Atlantic, and lived there for almost 6 years before kicking it from f***ing stomach cancer.

Blog War

You'd think a newlywed male would have better things to do than starting a blogwar and text messaging threats to call me at night.

But I guess that's what happens when you marry your second choice, eh, Shank?

Now, if you'll excuse me, it is Friday night. Ta.