History for Jackasses

I'm not going to name any names, mostly because he doesn't blog under his real name, but someone I was talking to on the phone last night was looking at a map of Iowa. He noted there was a town named Waterloo and said, "Hey, is that where that guy--"

I interrupted, because I knew where this was going, "No. That was a different Waterloo. In a different country. He did sell this area to America, though."

"What?"

"The Louisiana Purchase?" I paused. No recognition seemed forthcoming, but then finally there was a response.

"Oh yeah. He got f***ed in that deal, huh?"

So for your benefit, mystery phone blogger, there is a not-very-brief synopsis written in a language you'll understand in the extended about Napoleon and his journey to Waterloo. Waterloo in Belgium. You've heard of it, I'm sure. They have waffles.

Poland has historically been a little troublemaking c**t. Back in the day, Russia sent 300,000 soldiers to the border of Poland in hopes of capturing it (or recapturing it, actually, but we're not talking about Poland here--we're talking about Waterloo). This wasn't cool with Napoleon, who was all like, "Bitches, you better back off." So Napoleon thought he'd invade Russia and teach 'em a lesson.

Unfortunately for Nappy, the Russians weren't trying to engage him in any real battles. They kept retreating and drawing him into freaking Siberia. F***ing p***ies. But they weren't, really. It was strategy, the sly f***s. They burned the crops and slaughtered the cows and sh*t, leaving no food for Nappy and his army. Finally near Moscow, there was a giant bloody battle, but losses were pretty well even. The Russians burned Moscow and retreated. Nappy strolled into Moscow, thinking the whole thing would be over, but he was f***ed.

Moscow was ruined, and controlling it did f***-all for Nappy. Word was coming from France that Nappy was losing control there, so he had to head home. By the time he got there, he had lost over 500,000 soldiers. The war between France and Russia attracted other nations, like wars do. Prussia, England, and some others joined Russia...even f***ing Sweden got in on the action. Giving Nappy a beatdown, Viking style, yeah!

Nappy was outnumbered, and forced to slink home with his tail between his legs, promising not to be a d**k, but the other countries weren't having it. They made him surrender unconditionally and exiled him to be emperor of a small island called Elba. He hung out there for less than a year before escaping and returning to France. The king of France sent some soldiers to take care of business, but when they met Napoleon, he was all like, "You bitches gonna shoot your emperor?" And they were all like, "F**k no!"

So Nappy had himself an army again, and more joined him, and the countries who beat his ass were royally pissed. So they sent soldiers to kick his ass again, and everybody met up in Belgium, a mile or so from Waterloo. Nappy was given a f***ing boot up his ass this time, and the countries didn't mess around with sending his bitch-ass to an island nearby. He was booted to Saint Helena in the South Atlantic, and lived there for almost 6 years before kicking it from f***ing stomach cancer.